My Pity Party.

It's April...

(I know it's actually a few days away, but its April in my mind)

One month until May...

Texas is about to knock on our door...

I'm trying to be strong, but when I think about it I fall apart.

And it's not just the stress of being on my own with 2 1/2 kids, but the fact that Michael won't be here.  My days will be stressful with no help even at the end of day, and then lonely nights.  My weekends will be.. well, I don't even know... the same as the week? I'll have to go to church alone...

3 months. And another sad thing is I always end up feeling sad that I don't have my mom living closer.  I'd like to think it would be a little easier with her near, but I'm stuck.  I can't expect her to come every month while he's gone.  She'll be here in June for a week. yay.. and then again when the baby comes. That will have to be good enough.

I'm someone who has never wanted or needed a break from Michael...

I'd love for him to be home with me all day...

I'm such a baby.

I'll have to learn to be stronger...

to cry only at night so Haiden won't see...

and to rely on Heavenly Father for energy to make up for the playmate that Haiden finds in Michael...

I don't even want to begin to think about Haiden through it all...

"Mom, where's dad?"

"He's in Texas."

"Oh, well when's he coming home?"

"In 3 weeks."

And then i'll have to look at his eyes as he tries to understand what that means.

AHH! There are people in this world who have it much, much worse than poor little me who will be without a husband for 3 weeks at a time for 3 months.  Yet, I still can't stop crying when I think about it.

Ugh, and the wonderful moment when Texas is over... we'll be welcoming another baby that very month.  He'll be here in August, but then Black Foot, Idaho looms for 3 months after that!

Which means spending the weeks away, and the weekends with us. Yes, I know that is tons better than Texas where he won't be home for weeks at a time.

At least, I'll have the weekends? True, and that's the only small part that I allows me to breathe.

But then, guess what?

Poor little me has a pity party over being home alone again, but now with 3 kids.

A tiny baby who will wake up at night, and then a full day with those 3.  I'll have to learn how to blend another little one in our daily life as well as traveling outside our house... which is hard to think about when I already know how complicated and time consuming it is to put 2 kids in and out of car seats.

And, then not to mention nights alone again.

Will I turn into a zombie?  I hope not.