Kids and Chores: Lessons Learned through Secret Service

Kids and Chores: Lessons Learned through Secret Service.  We have implemented several different ways of going about getting them to learn and appreciate doing chores. Some ideas work better than others, but we have found that even the ones that work really well have a time limit. It may take a month or several months before they get bored of their new regime, but each time we mix it up it seems to renew their efforts. Each new chore chart, game, list etc always includes doing a good deed.

We talked about doing secret services around the home this week. Michael got them super excited by changing the name from good deed to secret service! He buoyed their interest with the fun factor of thrusting their firsts in the air after the mission was complete and exclaiming, "secret service!"

Our kids got really excited and enjoyed finding a secret service to do for one another.  Once they had completed a service each would thrust their hand in the air and yell, "secret service!"


[Fast forward to yesterday]

Haiden woke up and quickly began his day doing his chores.  Kailey woke up and after seeing Haiden, she began doing her chores. This is one of those moments I quietly point out to Haiden because his actions prompted Kailey. He influenced her for the good that morning and it soon started a chain reaction. Once Logan and Ella woke up, they saw them and started doing the same things as well. Indeed it was a very rare and pleasant morning.

Logan and Ella continued on later that afternoon when I reminded them that Haiden and K had basically finished their chores. Logan went to work and was most excited to do a "secret service!" By this time, Michael was home and I left them doing their secret services to go pick up Haiden and K from school.

Soon after we got home, I heard Kailey and Logan screaming. I went to find Kailey in her room mad and Logan sitting on the floor with big tears pouring down his face. He was surround by markers and books. I immediately looked at Kailey and asked what had happened. She said Logan was in her room, had closed the door and wouldn't let her in. When I looked at Logan who barely made out understandable words through his crying, he began telling me how he was doing a secret service for her. His words were choppy through the tears, but he was saying things like, "trying to do good" "Ella messed it up" "I was going fast" "now she saw"...

My heart squeezed as it was becoming clear what had happened.

Logan had chosen Kailey for his secret service. He had went into her room to put the books and markers up for her.  After we came home, but before Kailey went into her room Ella had went into the room and pulled out the books and markers.  He noticed and ran in, closed Kailey's bedroom door to fix the mess again. But by this time, Kailey is home and all she saw was Logan running into a her room closing the door behind him and refusing to let her in. I'm not certain what was said between her and Logan after she finally got into her room, but I could see Logan's feelings were hurt. Kailey didn't realize his true intentions. I pulled Kailey aside and told her to leave her room that she had made a mistake and to wait for me.

I turned to Logan and tried to calm his tears and help him to understand his service to Kailey was a good thing and that Kailey hadn't understood what he was doing in her room. Distraught all he could say over and over was, "but I was trying to do good" and "Ella messed it all up and I was trying to fix it for a secret service". I helped him redo the secret service trying to convince him that his efforts were very good and that it was ok even though Kailey had seen him doing it. No matter what I said nothing could make it better. After fixing the secret service action he ran into his own room and continued crying.

I went to Kailey next and explained what had happened. Her tender heart couldn't take the explanation so she ended up crying in her room as well.

I sighed and thought: Okay, they'll cry it out and forget all about it soon enough. 

Nearly 10 minutes later something happened that I will never forget.

Logan, my fierce and emotional one, walked quietly into Kailey's room and said, "Kailey, it's ok. I forgive you."

I crept quietly to the nearly closed bedroom door to listen better. Logan repeated the same sentence to her a few more times and then quietly waited for her to finish crying. Once she was finished, she melted my heart even further by saying, "No Logan, I'm sorry. I really like what you did for me. It was a good secret service."

They stayed together in her room talking and hanging out just the two of them for another 10 minutes or so.  I quietly crept back away not wanting to disrupt the amazing conversations they were having.

Kailey and Logan made me feel so many emotions through their experience. I felt compassion for Logan and his good intentions.  I felt disappointment in how Kailey first reacted.  I felt hopeless as I tried to come up with the right words to use to help both of them. I couldn't make either of them stop crying or either of them stop feeling hurt, but in the end they took care of each other without any parental promptings. In the end, I felt so proud and so joyous for them.

There are many times throughout the week that we have to make one or more of our kids apologize for this or that reason.  Often saying they are sorry is a hard thing, and I think it only becomes harder as we become adults if we do not learn to do so when we are young. We have to constantly love and be willing to apologize and forgive because none of us are perfect.

How grateful I am for our kids and for their examples to each other and to us. I feel like Michael and I do a good job of showing forgiveness.  We are both stubborn and I cannot say that our kids never see us argue because that would be a lie. They may see us argue and get angry at times, but most importantly they see us forgive.

But yesterday, they demonstrated the power of forgiveness for us.

Kailey, my kind heart, let go of any guilt or sadness. She let her brother back in her room, accepted his love and then made sure he knew she appreciated what the secret service he did for her.

Logan, my fierce emotional one, bravely walked into his sister's room to show her he cared enough to make sure she knew he forgave her. He sat in there with her and showed more compassion than I would have expected from a 4 year old.

I pray they continue to love and forgive and that by so doing they will continually realize how powerful and merciful the love of our Savior is and how through the plan of salvation we become the people we are meant to be so that we might be worthy to be with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again.